A neat house is the identification of a person. It is not only exhausting but also embarrassing. I can never forget when my mother started making me clean up. She had been taking care of me since childhood. No matter when it was, as long as she came home from work, she would have to do some chores around the house. Her children came to play with her sometimes and that too was the cause of this habit. Once they were finished with school, she got home and started cleaning up. The kids were happy that their mom cleaned up, but they didn’t think how much effort she was making to complete the task. They started using her as a maid like me. As time went by and she never stopped working at home, my father noticed and he looked at me asking what had become all this mess. He could clearly see something was wrong, and so he decided to help me out and even gave up his job to do the same thing with me.
I always felt guilty because of this act, but one day I realized that I don’t have anything better than to help. So I decided to take care of myself. I know I need to eat food, sleep well, live a good life, and I have nothing better than having enough to eat, and having enough to sleep. That’s why I decided to go to an interview.
An interviewer said, “you would be able to get that position in your family”. My heart dropped into my chest.
Instead, I decided to look at a glass table full of papers. Every paper looked like a document but there was no one. It made me feel as if a ghost appeared on my shoulders, but I looked down at my hands. There was a page with a phone number, name, address, and contact information.
The next question asked me: Have you ever experienced child abuse?
I replied with a few words but before I could finish, someone yelled: No! I thought that it might be some kind of joke. But I knew deep inside that I was lying. But somehow, I managed to respond: Yes I have. Sometimes I find myself thinking about this issue and I don’t have any hope anymore that I don’t ever experience anything like that again.
I am now sitting on the stage looking at a man who claims to be a woman but still manages to work with children. I knew that everything that happened to me has been caused because of him, but I still believe that he was the only reason I was able to overcome these problems and that he loves me. But every move he makes, my mind will follow him, he tells me to stay close to him. If I dare to move away, he will beat me brutally. But I have to stay there because he would love to watch over me. When I look at his eyes, I can tell what a troubled soul he is. A hurtful guy who lives a lie on a surface, but inside he doesn’t care. This is my fault for being unable to see it. All I see are dark shadows of pain within me, and I cannot understand that it is because of him. That I have nothing better as a way to handle these problems. So my little brother asked if the problem isn’t mine I can try to solve it my way instead of going my own way. It seems unfair that I didn’t give myself a chance at trying to solve my problems and I have to suffer.
But when he says to me: You’re only fourteen, you should be able to make decisions for yourself, not just for him. I have heard it all before. Now I realize he speaks for him. In fact, what exactly have I got to do with myself when I am capable to make decisions for myself? Do I decide who I want to become? Am I ready to accept the truth? Am I ready to show him the signs of him that I can never talk? Then shouldn’t I try to find a solution rather than cry while everyone else is telling me to stay and wait?
That situation is only going to get worse for me. Why didn’t I say yes to myself when all I could say was ‘no’? When all the answers don’t seem to apply to my case? Shouldn’t I leave this choice to other people?
I can’t stop wondering what would happen once I grow older. Would I have to be responsible to myself or would I live to blame the people who have caused this? Who’s gonna pay my rent? If I end up losing that job, am I going to lose my daughters right now? How am I supposed to provide for myself when I don’t want to?
. But then I realize after that what does I think would happen when it is my turn? But then I realize after that whether I do what I need to do to survive, or take matters into my hand? Just because I can make choices for myself doesn’t mean that I have something better than others. Because what about me, is anyone but me? Surely not my family.
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